Understanding and Overcoming the Desire for External Validation

The question of why we care so much about what others think about us is a profound one, deeply rooted in our social nature. We often seek validation from others rather than from ourselves, striving to fit into a societal mold that others have set. This article will explore the underlying reasons for this behavior and provide strategies to overcome it.

Why People Crave External Validation

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Perception and Identity

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One of the primary reasons we seek external validation is a lack of self-understanding. When we don’t know who we are, we become preoccupied with what others think of us. This is often because we want to be seen as the version others expect of us, fitting into a societal mold. As Krishma Punj Sharma points out, “You think what others think you are, so you become that.” We want to fit in, which is a natural social instinct.

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Adjusting to Societal Views

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Each person is influenced by their unique upbringing and societal views, which shape our perceptions and judgments. As a result, no one can ever have an accurate judgment of another person. Even in online forums and comment sections, we see people fiercely debating their opinions. These arguments merely reflect the subconscious beliefs created by their life experiences. People’s judgments are reflections of their own minds, not an objective reality.

The Social Instinct

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Biological Basis

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The urge to seek external validation is partly hardwired into us. It is a byproduct of our species, Homo sapiens. This social instinct is a subconscious drive, much like our innate ability to acquire a spoken language. Our ancestors needed both of these instincts to survive in the harsh prehistoric environment of hunter-gatherers. While modern civilization offers more independence, the need for social approval remains a powerful subconscious force, especially for young people.

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Leveraging Independence

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Ironically, modern advances have made us more independent than ever before. We no longer need the same level of social approval to survive. However, the social instinct remains strong, particularly in adolescents and teenagers. As one grows older, one can learn to tune out this internal voice and trust in oneself. Many adults have successfully developed the ability to ignore societal pressures and go their own way.

Strategies for Overcoming External Validation

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Self-Belief and Trust

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Trusting in oneself is a journey, especially when things get hard. It’s when we realize that the opinions of others, especially when they are not grounded in personal knowledge, are essentially meaningless. In Krishma Punj Sharma’s words, 'the day you will open up your eyes and realize that among the many what they say about is trash, then you will be high time to trust in yourself, even if things are hard.'

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Learning from the Environment without Subconscious Instinct

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Awareness of social instincts is crucial. Just because a behavior is ingrained in us doesn’t mean we have to follow it. We can learn from our environment but direct our learning according to our needs and goals rather than societal expectations. Understanding that almost all primate species and many higher mammals such as lions and wolves have a social instinct can also help reduce our fear of not fitting in.

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Developing Self-Identity

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Creating a strong self-identity is essential. Once we know who we are, we no longer need validation from others because our identity is already established. We become less sensitive to the opinions of others and more confident in our decisions. This process can take time and effort, but the results are worth it. By focusing on building a strong self-worth, we can better navigate the challenges of life without relying on external validation.

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Conclusion

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While the desire for external validation is a natural part of our social nature, it doesn’t have to control our lives. By understanding the roots of this behavior and developing strategies to cope with it, we can develop a stronger sense of self and live more authentically. Trusting in ourselves and creating a genuine self-identity are key steps towards overcoming this tendency and leading a fulfilling life.